Say No!

This post has been going around on Facebook for a few years. I don't mind when I see posts like this, more than once, because I know the message is getting across. I pray that it puts guilt into the lives of those who are bullies!

Anti-depressants, my blessing.

A nutshell..... 

"I'm Depressed" 

"I want to die"

"Life is hell"

"Why me?" 

"Why am I even here?"

"No one cares about me!"

"I can't handle this"

"I don't want to do this"

"Who am I?"

"Why don't they understand?"

These are all things I used to think. They were emotions that I felt, and struggled to tell anyone about. My childhood wasn't rough, but as child, I felt like nothing I said mattered. I was a silent lamb at school. I was in special ed, and was too scared to stand up to my bullies. I was a scared child. At home, I would scream and yell and cry and stomp and slam doors, because I felt more comfortable to express my feelings there. However, I never had the guts to say that I hated being bullied at school, and coming home to be bullied by my brothers was just too much. I needed the men (my brothers) in my life to tell me that they loved me. I would find out in later years that for most of my teenage years, I chose the wrong guys to "fall in love" with. Every time a relationship got messy, I blamed myself. 

Learning...

One of the most usefull things I learnt in high school was the topic of mental illnesses, however it meant that I had something to blame my hormones on. I somehow convinced myself that I was depressed. I wasn't depressed, not clinically. I wanted to be, so I could grab attention. I was low, I was down, and my hormones were making me crazy. 

The year I turned 14 I decided to follow Jesus. God used youth group and SMASH camp, to change my life. Unfortunately, I'm human, and I kept falling into a deep pit.

To cut a long story short, I soon realised how much I was feeling sorry for myself, but I was (and still am) convinced that I couldn't help the way my emotions were messing me around. During the first couple of years of adulthood, I spent almost every week in counselling. I am ashamed to admit that I was self harming. I visited the doctor, and he prescribed me with half strength anti depressants, to calm my anxiety attacks. After a couple of weeks, the medicine started to train my brain to think more clearly. I joined a website in which I could pay to talk to any medical professional. I spoke to a psychiatrist a few times, and he came to the conclusion that I probably had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder  I had never heard of it, but it fit. I may not have been diagnosed, but After a lot of research, I was more and more convinced that it was my diagnosis. 

I'm on full strength anti depressants now, and I'm not afraid any more. I can feel my brain thinking more clearly. I'm now able to focus on my Dad in heaven now.

It's ok to be on anti depressants, they aren't a burden, they are a blessing! 

Insecure little ones

I am a leader at a Girls Brigade company here in Brisbane, and I teach Cadets (Prep to grade 3). Each and every one of these girls are beautiful, intelligent, and thoughtfull.... But it saddens me to think that they don't want to be unique. I don't know if this sort of thing was happening when I was a kid, but it sure seems like children (especially girls) are getting less and less confident with themselves and at a very young age. I write up rules at the beginning of each GB year, and this year I decided to write "Be yourself" as one of the rules. I spent a few minutes trying to explain this rule to them, but I'm not sure if I got through to them or not. I need better ways to get through to them, as I am hoping that by the end of this year, I will have helped them to be as unique as they are. They spend a lot of time trying to be their version of perfect, by copying their peers. They are impatient, and don't want to take time in work (even the things they find exciting). I know some of this is just human nature, but I also believe that the world is turning my sweet little girls into clones who have no imagination. If I see their potential, why can't they? 

Advice/ opinions please! 

I'm stressed, but never alone.

Introducing.... Me.

Hello. My name is Elissa, I am currenly 21 years old. I have a Dad, a Mum and two older brothers. My parents were missionaries before I was born. 6 months after I came into the world, we went to PNG so that my parents could continue their work there. We stayed there for 3 years. We came back to Aus, and have been living here in Brisbane since then, and have also been attending the same church.

I'm not a perfect christian girl. It is true that I attended Sunday school as a child and when I was old enough to go to youth group I attended there and I didn't want to leave ever ever ever...... But behind the corny church loving little girI, is a confused church loving girl. I have been hurt, and I have hurt the people that I love. I have made mistakes that would sound unbelievable to people who think they know me. I feel sick when I think of some of my mistakes. I feel wrong a lot, and I feel like common sence doesn't exist in me. I feel sorry for myself, but I understand that there are millions of people who have been through and continue to go through things much worse than I have. My pain seems so little in comparison, however that doesn't mean that my problems are worthless. 

God is my passion. I love him for many things, but mostly for John 3:16. It is amazing that he could ever love a sinner like me.

 I am now a Sunday school teacher, and instead of being a youth leader like I had planned, I am a girls brigade leader.

 I recognize that God's plans are better.

 I have a fianc'ee called Rob, whom I love very much. We met five years ago, and have been engaged for nearly two years. We will be married on the 3rd of May 2014. I love that he loves God, I love that he is interested in my interests. I love that he makes me laugh, I love that he puts my past failures away, that he is forgiving. I love it when he surprises me, I love his generosity. I love his kind words and his gentle heart. I love his affection. I love that he will love me until death do us part.

 I am a child care worker with dreams of becoming a child counselor. I have many other dreams too, and I plan to pray over them. 

I like Cuddly things, wombats, animals, Cookie monster, cookies, chocolate, children, dresses and high heal shoes, drawing, painting, relaxing, playing the piano, listening to a wide range of music, playing the Uke, and a whole heap of things.

I want to enjoy the little things in life, and I want to keep trying harder to be the woman that God designed me to be.

 

Next time you go to judge someone. Think about it. Think about God creating them in their mothers womb. God looks on each and every one of his creations in unconditional love.  Maybe it is time to consider why people might be the way they are. Should we maybe try and see the good things about them, not the negative?

Personal disappointment

I am disappointed in myself

That I became this angry, selfish, insecure being.

That I lost friends, and I lost chances to tell them about the light that I know of.

I am disappointed in myself because I fail to change, even though I promised God that I would. 

I am disappointed that I spend my day to day life wanting to evangelise, but fail to do so. I am disappointed that I don't pursue my burning passions, because of fear and past failure.

I have let myself down, I have let the people down that need to hear of God's grace, and I feel like I have let God down.

The crazy thing is... I haven't really let God down. God knew that all of these things would happen... God knew my secrets before I did! I don't believe God can be let down. He knows what us humans are like. WE ARE SINNERS! Sinners that he loves, so much that He sent his one and only son ,Jesus, to die a brutal death on the cross and rise again so that we may live and not be guilty. Because of what he did, we are not meant to be guilty.

This doesn't mean that God doesn't get upset when we do wrong, I'm sure he does. My point is that if we accept Jesus into our heart, our guilt is gone, therefore, how can we possibly be letting God down?

But why do I still feel disappointed in myself, and guilty because of my sins? It is simply because the world is full of guilty people. Guilt is built into us, even though Jesus saved us from it. Just like sin is built into us, even though Jesus saved us from it. I might be disappointed in myself for a number of reasons, but I do want to change, therefore I will. God will love me no matter what.. He knows that I have things to work on, and he knows who I will become. I do need to work harder, and it is good to recognise my failures so that I can work on them. I will still fail and fail, over and over, to live a completely God centred life, however I can be 100% confident that God won't abandon me.

Trust

On the morning of September 11th, 2001, in America...... , it was night in Australia. It wasn't until the next morning (September 12th), that I heard the horrific news of the terrorist attacks in new york. I was getting ready for my school day, when my Dad rang up from work, and told us to turn the tv on. Pretty much every channel had breaking news on the tragic event. I was only 9 years old, and I knew there was such thing as bullying, I knew that there were poor people, suffering people, I knew that there were natural disasters...... But it wasn't till I heard of the terrorist attacks that I fully realised that there  are really cruel people in this world. I had never heard of such a cruel act. I also didn't understand why people from over seas would want to kill the innocent. I freaked out. I would duck every time a plane flew over. I didn't really know how to cope with tragedy. In a strange way it interested me though... I wanted to know more. 

Since then, many more disasters have occurred. I was too young to be hearing of such things, but I didn't have a choice. It is because of disasters that I have lived a lot of my life in fear of loss. I feared loosing loved ones to tragic events, and in all honesty, I still do fear this somewhat now. 

Fear is a good thing in a way I suppose, but we can't let it run our lives. I believe it all comes down to faith and trust that Jesus knows what he is doing. Unfortunately that is easier said than done. I have understood for a long time that we are to trust jesus, however trusting that he can and trusting that he will, are two different things. I know Jesus CAN help me out with my problems... But will he? If there is a lot of suffering going on, why should I believe that Jesus will keep me safe? So yeah, I guess I have a trust issue. I'm too scared to trust. 

The only thing to do is pray, and let Jesus be the centre of your life, especially in hard times. He knows what he is doing, and he will do with our life's, what he KNOWS is best, even when we can't see any good.