Tired of being judged

Rant time.... I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense, but I need to get some things out in the open:

I'm getting sick and tired of being judged. I'll admit, I've done some things in the past that were dumb. But haven't we all? I have had enough of being accused, of being categorised, and of having people expect certain things from me. 

Do you think I don't notice when I'm being bitched about? Do you think I don't know how to tell the difference between a best friend and a fake? Do you actually believe that I'm not smart enough to see right through your lies? Guess what? I'm not who you think I am, and you will never be able to figure me out! I could let you in on all of my darkest secrets, and you still wouldn't really know me. Why? Because I don't even really know me. Only God can say that he knows me, because apparently he has a plan for my life that I don't see. 

Here are some examples of how I've been judged:

- I've had people tell me that I'm a great musician. No offence to them, and thanks for the nice compliments, but I'm NOT a great musician. I failed year 12 music, I can't read music, I can't write my own songs, all I do is cover songs. The best I am is average. There are other things I can do better. I'm not meant to be a musician. 

- It took me a while to realise it, but I'm not meant to be a childcare worker either. I love children, I love taking care of them, I completed my qualification, but I don't entirely agree with the childcare system. Loving children doesn't make me a Childcare worker. When I worked in Childcare I knew I couldn't do certain things, and for lacking in certain skills, I copped staff members talking about me, saying I'm not good enough. No one wanted to be my friend, and they judged me on my childcare skills, not on my personality. 

 - I have been called ugly by some, beautiful by others, so what am I? I can't figure that out entirely, because I've been told two different things. 

I guess what I'm saying is stop! Stop judging me, stop judging everyone. Don't expect the best, don't expect the worse, just let life happen. The more we judge, the more we expect more or less of people, and that's not fair. I'm guilty, you're guilty. At the end of the day God is the only being to have the right to judge.

End rant.

Please comment if you have a different view. I'd like to know.

Deep thinker thoughts

Those who know me, understand that I'm a deep thinker. I think a lot about world issues, like abuse, Christianity, abortion, un-ethical lifestyles, child upbringings. Mainly things that can have a huge impact, that lots of people ignore. I'm not an activist as such, but I can certainly get fired up when thinking or talking about any of these topics. I am quick to join in to any conversation, if it means that I can have my say. 

I also think about my life. These are my more private thoughts. I'm not always as ready and able to tell people how I'm feeling. Writing it down like this is a lot easier, but it's not a walk in the park either. If someone asked me how I am, depending on who they were, I might tell them a bit about the struggles I go through. However I will always leave out some things, because I need that barrier between me and the person. Everyone has a limit to how much they feel like saying. Admittedly, I can be a bit annoying when I'm in the opposite situation, asking someone else how they are. I have the need to dig deeper and to know more. I guess that's when I need to remind myself of my own secrets.

Lately I have been thinking a LOT about my life. Mainly thoughts about which direction my life is heading. There are a bunch of people around me that just know what they are doing with their life, and admittedly I'm envious of them. It's definately a trait in most women to compare themselves to other people. I am very guilty of this! I compare everything, good and bad. It's been said many times, that we should focus on what we do have, not on what we don't have. True, but I'm going to put everything out there and see where it leads. 

Pro's... 

I'm married to a wonderful hubby 

I have a roof over my head 

Clothes to wear

I have food to eat

Clean water to drink

A loving family

Freedom to be a Christian

Con's...

I live in half a house, with only a kitchenette 

My clothes are getting old and tatty

I don't know how to cook healthy foods 

I don't have many good friends

I don't have a job= I have no money to do the things I want to do. 

My health is horrid. 

The latter list is definately not how I imagined my life would be at this stage. I want so badly to be positive, but when the con's are big con's, it's hard to focus on the good. 

 

So where am I heading? To be 100% truthful, I have a vague idea, but I'm dead scared. 

Rob has just recently gained an extra day of work, with the promise of going full time. That leaves us with more money, and we will no longer have to be on Centrelink wages. This is good news, but it also means that I have a lot to think about regarding what I need to do. I'm unemployed, partly because of sickness, partly because I don't have my license to drive anywhere. My dream, is to become a professional freelance photographer. I'd be able to do engagement shoots, weddings, baby shoots you name it! Unfortunately part of me doubts my ability, even with a photography course, to live my dream. For a very long time, I have doubted that I have any talent at all. I will readily admit that I am average at photography, maybe even good at it for a beginner. However I can not know if I'm going to be good enough until I have forked out Rob's money, to pay for a course. Then there is a matter of passing the course. When I did my Childcare diploma, I never imagined studying again. Alas, God has made other plans for me.  Am I taking the right path, in pursuing photography? I have no idea! One thing I've learnt is, I'm not so great at listening to God's advice!

How does one relax, when all this is going through my brain? I have to try very hard to distract myself. If I don't try, then I don't get any sleep. 

I'd say that in a way, everyone has the ability to be a deep thinker.  My advice to you is, don't bother trying to gain my super powers, you might regret It! 

Rant ended. ✌. 

Opinions.

I've spent most of my life listening way too intently to the opinions of other people.

I'm not saying that opinions don't matter, but you really have to be careful to pick and choose which ones to take on board. I think we're all guilty of taking other people's opinions to heart, and most of the time, they are quite damaging. 

According to society, we need to be skinny, blemish free, and wear the most fashion forward clothes money can buy. When I was a teenager,  a boy walked past me at school and straight out said "You're ugly". At the time of course I was a petite and lanky with an acne ridden face. I naturally agreed with the boy. I was convinced that if a complete stranger could call me ugly, then I must be. It didn't matter what anyone else said, it was a strangers opinion that I trusted. Strangely enough though, I didn't go out and buy makeup. In fact for a long time I believed that makeup was too much effort. I didn't start wearing makeup until I went to TAFE, to do my Childcare diploma. Most of the girls there were my age or slightly older. They all wore gorgeous outfits, had their hair done beautifully, and wore really thick makeup. This time it wasn't a direct opinion of another person, this time I was simply assuming that I was ugly because everyone else looked like the worlds definition of beautiful. I made my own opinion, about myself. It was wrong. In all honesty I still can not go out without makeup on, because I've let myself believe that I look ugly without makeup. 

Opinions can be plain annoying, and sometimes heartbreaking, 

When I got engaged, I had so many people ask me, "When's the big day?". For a long time I didn't have an answer to that. We took about 3 years to get married, simply because of finances. I craved to marry Rob, and it was so frustrating trying to explain to people that we hadn't set a date. 

After we got married, the question is of course "When are you having a baby", because babies have to come next right? I want a baby more than anything, but we can not afford to have children, as we are barely affording life. I think it's really incensitive to ask people about having children, just assuming it will have to happen sooner or later. What if a woman has had miscarriages, or has been trying so hard to have a baby for years, without success? It's not easy for any women to come right out and admit that not all is well. 

You see not only is it really important not to always take to heart other people's opinions, but you have to be really careful about the opinions you have of others. You can't just say eveything you think out loud. Social media has a big issue with this. Often I will read a post from one of the pages I'm following on Facebook, e.g a news page. No matter what the article or story is about, there will always be someone who takes it too seriously, or tells you the story is wrong. When it comes to decisions like gay rights, or abortion laws, things can get super heated in the comments section. Why? Because everyone thinks their opinion is fact. That's where the problem lies. An opinion is a perspective, a belief, a judgement. To you it will be as real as it can be, but when you start pushing your opinions too far, or outright blurt things out, it can have huge ramifications. 

Worlds Greatest Shave

So here it is, I've decided to participate in the Worlds Greatest Shave. Yep, I'm shaving my hair off! Uh oh! It's for a good cause though, so please support me. Even the smallest amount helps! Xo

https://secure.leukaemiafoundation.org.au/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=623338#&panel1-2

Which direction?

Sometimes I feel like the day is never going to end. On a daily basis I wonder where on earth my life is going. What am I doing with my life? Sure I'm married, and I love my husband with all of my heart, so I'm not saying that my life sucks or anything. I'm honestly truly greatful for what God has given me and what he has done in my life. However, although it might be hard to admit, I don't know which direction my life is meant to be going. Let me elaborate... 

All through the senior years in High school. I knew exactly where I wanted to be in ten years. I had a solid plan. I envisioned that within a year or two of graduating High school, I would be married and I would have a full time job as a Group leader in a Childcare centre. I didn't care for higher studies, I would be content with tertiary education. After about 3 years of Childcare and marriage, I would have children and I'd become a stay at home Mum. I figured that by the ten year mark, I'd have a few kids by then, and they'd be off to primary school. Life seemed like it could be almost perfect for me. 

Guess what? I was a tad bit wrong! 

To cut a very long story short, I didn't get married till last year, after being engaged for 3 years. 

We live in my parents rental house, in the downstairs rumpas room. We only have a kitchenette and a makeshift bathroom. Its not ideal, that's for sure. A few years ago I ended up with a casual Group leader/ assistant relief work. For two years I worked for two hours a day doing lunch relief and the occasional full day of relief. At the very end of last year, my workplace had to make money cuts, so now I don't even get to work a few hours a day, I only get the occasional full day of relief work. Rob is finishing off uni in November, and will have his degrees with no certainty of getting a job straight away. He hasn't had any paid work since December 2013. To top it off, I'm still on my learners licence and I have to rely on Rob to get me around everywhere. We won't be able to travel or even have kids until Rob has a full time income, and we have a house to live in. It seems forever away! Not only that, but after just one year of doing Childcare, I decided that I don't like it, and I know that I can't go on to do further studies of anything until Rob is earning full income. 

Basically my point is, my life doesn't seem to be moving forward, and even if Rob gets a job soon, I have no idea what I would study. In truth, I just don't feel like I'm good enough for any job at all. The only thing I'm sure of is that Childcare is not for me. 

I'm disappointed that in the senior years of High school, I didn't think harder about what job would be best for me. I just picked a job that sounded easy enough and do-able. Now I feel like I'm no where. I'm also disappointed that since Graduating high school I have put on 30kgs of weight. I feel terrible about my body and my health yet I have no motivation to change. I'm also on 3 different daily medications, in which I never believed I would have to take. 

All I want is a bit more stability. I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

Ethical fashion

A few months ago, I got my hands on Baptist world Aid Australia's Ethican Fashion Guide. They develop one yearly, and I am always interested in taking a look. Here is a blurb on the first page of the booklet: "This guide seeks to empower you to purchase from companies that treat their workers ethically. By doing so, you can encourage more companies and decision makers to take action to ensure workers are not exploited, they are paid adequately and the work free from the tyranny of modern slavery."

In the booklet, there is a list of the clothing companies a-z, and next to each company is the slavery/ labour rights grade. For e.g. Converse received an B! I love Connies, so this made me super happy. 

However there are some of my favourite brands that received very low marks. The most disappointing one for me ways JayJays (part of the just jeans company) , who received a D. The NRL and AFL companies received a D-, which disgusted me knowing how expensive their brand is. 

Before I knew about the Ethical Fashion Guide, I didn't think at all about who my clothes were made by and how those people were treated. You see it isn't just about their lack of pay, but how these people are constantly treated poorly.  Every time I shop for clothing, I now take my guide with me, to ensure that I'm not buying clothes that have been made by the companies who don't care about the workers they are using. 

Please take a stand with me!

https://www.baptistworldaid.org.au/behind-the-barcode/

Why Porn is not ok.

This isn't an easy topic to talk about. It's uncomfortable, but I'm writing this blog post in the hope that it may change the thinking of some friends who have told me about their porn addiction. I'm no expert on this topic, but I'd like to share my views anyway. 

Why isn't porn ok? 

I'm not a saint, I won't lie and tell you that I've never ever looked at porn. We are all of sinful nature and curiosity is what the devil uses to tempt us. The thing is, we can't just use the excuse "I'm human", yes I am human, but I'm also a follower of Christ Jesus.

Mathew 5:28 (ESV) 

"But I say to you that everyone that looks at a woman with lustfull intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" 

Even though men are the ones being addressed in this bible verse, I believe it applies to women as well. Porn is lust, therefore it is sin, it isn't just a man problem. Lust feels great, but it is a temporary sin with full time consequences. Porn is distorted, it leads you into an self-centred, artificial world.

Christians, I will leave these questions for you to answer for yourselves: 

What are you going to do when you get married, and porn has been something that you have relied on for a long time, to satisfy yourself? What do you do with the sexual fantasies that porn has given you? Can you confidently say that you won't have crazy ideas of how your sex life with your spouse will pan out? What happens when you realise that you are disappointed that sex is nothing like the porn videos you have seen?

Sex is a wonderful thing, and it is to be shared between husband and wife. It isn't something you're perfect at from the first go, it takes practice. Porn may give you ideas, but it isn't realistic in the end. I don't know about other women, but if my Husband ever watched porn, I would feel like I'd been cheated on. I'd feel insecure, and worry about the sexual expectations he has of me. I would be terrified.

Please will you watch this video, it will only take up just over 5 minutes of your time. In case I haven't convinced you that you need to end your addiction, I truly hope this video does. It looks at a different aspect of the argument. 

http://posichange.com/youll-never-watch-porn-the-same-way-again/

Please leave your comments below.