Thursday, September 5, 2013

Personal disappointment

I am disappointed in myself
That I became this angry, selfish, insecure being.
That I lost friends, and I lost chances to tell them about the light that I know of.
I am disappointed in myself because I fail to change, even though I promised God that I would. 
I am disappointed that I spend my day to day life wanting to evangelise, but fail to do so. I am disappointed that I don't pursue my burning passions, because of fear and past failure.
I have let myself down, I have let the people down that need to hear of God's grace, and I feel like I have let God down.

The crazy thing is... I haven't really let God down. God knew that all of these things would happen... God knew my secrets before I did! I don't believe God can be let down. He knows what us humans are like. WE ARE SINNERS! Sinners that he loves, so much that He sent his one and only son ,Jesus, to die a brutal death on the cross and rise again so that we may live and not be guilty. Because of what he did, we are not meant to be guilty.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't get upset when we do wrong, I'm sure he does. My point is that if we accept Jesus into our heart, our guilt is gone, therefore, how can we possibly be letting God down?

But why do I still feel disappointed in myself, and guilty because of my sins? It is simply because the world is full of guilty people. Guilt is built into us, even though Jesus saved us from it. Just like sin is built into us, even though Jesus saved us from it. I might be disappointed in myself for a number of reasons, but I do want to change, therefore I will. God will love me no matter what.. He knows that I have things to work on, and he knows who I will become. I do need to work harder, and it is good to recognise my failures so that I can work on them. I will still fail and fail, over and over, to live a completely God centred life, however I can be 100% confident that God won't abandon me.