Friday, September 25, 2015

Which direction?

Sometimes I feel like the day is never going to end. On a daily basis I wonder where on earth my life is going. What am I doing with my life? Sure I'm married, and I love my husband with all of my heart, so I'm not saying that my life sucks or anything. I'm honestly truly greatful for what God has given me and what he has done in my life. However, although it might be hard to admit, I don't know which direction my life is meant to be going. Let me elaborate... 
All through the senior years in High school. I knew exactly where I wanted to be in ten years. I had a solid plan. I envisioned that within a year or two of graduating High school, I would be married and I would have a full time job as a Group leader in a Childcare centre. I didn't care for higher studies, I would be content with tertiary education. After about 3 years of Childcare and marriage, I would have children and I'd become a stay at home Mum. I figured that by the ten year mark, I'd have a few kids by then, and they'd be off to primary school. Life seemed like it could be almost perfect for me. 
Guess what? I was a tad bit wrong! 
To cut a very long story short, I didn't get married till last year, after being engaged for 3 years. 
We live in my parents rental house, in the downstairs rumpas room. We only have a kitchenette and a makeshift bathroom. Its not ideal, that's for sure. A few years ago I ended up with a casual Group leader/ assistant relief work. For two years I worked for two hours a day doing lunch relief and the occasional full day of relief. At the very end of last year, my workplace had to make money cuts, so now I don't even get to work a few hours a day, I only get the occasional full day of relief work. Rob is finishing off uni in November, and will have his degrees with no certainty of getting a job straight away. He hasn't had any paid work since December 2013. To top it off, I'm still on my learners licence and I have to rely on Rob to get me around everywhere. We won't be able to travel or even have kids until Rob has a full time income, and we have a house to live in. It seems forever away! Not only that, but after just one year of doing Childcare, I decided that I don't like it, and I know that I can't go on to do further studies of anything until Rob is earning full income. 
Basically my point is, my life doesn't seem to be moving forward, and even if Rob gets a job soon, I have no idea what I would study. In truth, I just don't feel like I'm good enough for any job at all. The only thing I'm sure of is that Childcare is not for me. 
I'm disappointed that in the senior years of High school, I didn't think harder about what job would be best for me. I just picked a job that sounded easy enough and do-able. Now I feel like I'm no where. I'm also disappointed that since Graduating high school I have put on 30kgs of weight. I feel terrible about my body and my health yet I have no motivation to change. I'm also on 3 different daily medications, in which I never believed I would have to take. 
All I want is a bit more stability. I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

No comments:

Post a Comment