Thursday, May 19, 2016

Deep thinker thoughts

Those who know me, understand that I'm a deep thinker. I think a lot about world issues, like abuse, Christianity, abortion, un-ethical lifestyles, child upbringings. Mainly things that can have a huge impact, that lots of people ignore. I'm not an activist as such, but I can certainly get fired up when thinking or talking about any of these topics. I am quick to join in to any conversation, if it means that I can have my say. 
I also think about my life. These are my more private thoughts. I'm not always as ready and able to tell people how I'm feeling. Writing it down like this is a lot easier, but it's not a walk in the park either. If someone asked me how I am, depending on who they were, I might tell them a bit about the struggles I go through. However I will always leave out some things, because I need that barrier between me and the person. Everyone has a limit to how much they feel like saying. Admittedly, I can be a bit annoying when I'm in the opposite situation, asking someone else how they are. I have the need to dig deeper and to know more. I guess that's when I need to remind myself of my own secrets.

Lately I have been thinking a LOT about my life. Mainly thoughts about which direction my life is heading. There are a bunch of people around me that just know what they are doing with their life, and admittedly I'm envious of them. It's definately a trait in most women to compare themselves to other people. I am very guilty of this! I compare everything, good and bad. It's been said many times, that we should focus on what we do have, not on what we don't have. True, but I'm going to put everything out there and see where it leads. 
I'm married to a wonderful hubby 
I have a roof over my head 
Clothes to wear
I have food to eat
Clean water to drink
A loving family
Freedom to be a Christian

I live in half a house, with only a kitchenette 
My clothes are getting old and tatty
I don't know how to cook healthy foods 
I don't have many good friends
I don't have a job= I have no money to do the things I want to do. 
My health is horrid. 

The latter list is definately not how I imagined my life would be at this stage. I want so badly to be positive, but when the con's are big con's, it's hard to focus on the good. 
So where am I heading? To be 100% truthful, I have a vague idea, but I'm dead scared. 
Rob has just recently gained an extra day of work, with the promise of going full time. That leaves us with more money, and we will no longer have to be on Centrelink wages. This is good news, but it also means that I have a lot to think about regarding what I need to do. I'm unemployed, partly because of sickness, partly because I don't have my license to drive anywhere. My dream, is to become a professional freelance photographer. I'd be able to do engagement shoots, weddings, baby shoots you name it! Unfortunately part of me doubts my ability, even with a photography course, to live my dream. For a very long time, I have doubted that I have any talent at all. I will readily admit that I am average at photography, maybe even good at it for a beginner. However I can not know if I'm going to be good enough until I have forked out Rob's money, to pay for a course. Then there is a matter of passing the course. When I did my Childcare diploma, I never imagined studying again. Alas, God has made other plans for me.  Am I taking the right path, in pursuing photography? I have no idea! One thing I've learnt is, I'm not so great at listening to God's advice!

How does one relax, when all this is going through my brain? I have to try very hard to distract myself. If I don't try, then I don't get any sleep. 
I'd say that in a way, everyone has the ability to be a deep thinker.  My advice to you is, don't bother trying to gain my super powers, you might regret It! 

Rant ended. ✌. 

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